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Friday, 26 November 2010


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Devorah Zealot Soodak

C'mon! Write to me please!

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Devorah Zealot Soodak


Hi Zealot,

I've been down with a severe migraine the last few days. Trying to read a few website postings at times is about all I've accomplished.

My Keppra refill was made without any problems at the drugstore, and the pharmacist's staff displayed friendliness. The five mile walk in cold weather was the biggest challenge this time, and as I was recovering back home, my migraines decided to return with a vengeance.The statistical history of my migraines points more to just coincidence than anything else, so while that will protect me from unwanted opportunistic rattlesnakes, it also provides an excuse for all the would-be wonderful Mother Teresas' to look the other way.

The social workers there in New Jersey sound the case. In High School, my Vice-Principal utilized much the same Machiavellian strategy with my first complaints that my teacher raped me. It is as if he knowingly aggravated discord in my family, while evading any hint of the truth at issue. He didn't try to protect much else than the School's image, and I was left with the only recourse of avoiding my teacher whenever there might not be other remaining protecting witnesses between us. Epilepsy undermined the official rattlesnake's strategy though, with my teacher succumbing to his temptation again, at the opportunity of my seizure in class, but then with an otherwise disoccupied classroom full of witnesses available to be confronted, and a sudden exponential growth of gossip to the event, though the official record remains pristine, subject to Catch-22.

Here in California, with expensive impairments and near poverty, the official strategy game seems to be, firstly, Medicare versus Medicaid. The magic Medicaid flip-flop age of 55 years, removing the future estate from protection of medical creditors' and the State's carnivorous appetites for any meat left on estate bones, often makes Medicaid more attractive than Medicare, which instills fear in family members more worried about their own future pickings. "Spend-Down" requirements for Medicare to the dreaded magic of Medicaid, does little more than increase expenses and technical accounting hassles for medical care with expensive impairments while being near poverty. The Arnold even made a short unsuccessful attempt to revitalize the old common-laws of even any distant relatives bearing the expense of mandated social and medical care at any age, though Medicaid recovery after-55 taking precedence over Deeds of Joint Tenancy and all such legal ilk, and realms of inheritances and all transfer rights, still stands.

With the threat of the Medicaid beast, my direct family wants me to plead with Uncle Godbucks, while Uncle Godbucks curses socialized anything (except when it gives his own luxury means of actualization), and he doesn't want to taint my Medicaid with his money, I can't resist the urge to stick pins in his Ayn Rand philosophy at any opportunity, though the threat of myself writing his Gospel is more and more imminent with the threat of the reaper. (Poor Uncle Godbucks, the rest of the family members offer at best an artless brown nose biography. Maybe Morris is available for Reaganesque cash payment, to invent better, and Rand's "objectivism" affirming (what a travesty of the word "objective"), characters in my uncle's official stenchless "truth" biography).

Each state has its own set of bizarre Medicare becoming Medicaid becoming an estate lien, set of rules, subject to Federal requirements/guidelines, and many complex state court cases involving distant financial issues. So far, the individual person still has the choice of which state to attempt residency in, but carrying out such right is being affronted by rich technicalities, including ID, and again, address of residence, and mailing addresses.

With my seizures stopping an/or causing arrhythmia, cardiac and respiratory arrest with diazepam for bouts of clusters most like status epilepticus, has discouraged me from trying any benzodiazepines (along with their addictive potential). I sometimes wondered about Dilantin adding to arrhythmia problems too. Just a few more days, and the sunsets will start getting later again!!!

Lots of Love,


Devorah Zealot Soodak


I am too sick to figure out what is going on. I ended up in the ER after having seizures in the waiting room of the Doctors office. I can hardly see or write right now. I am allergic to the corn starch in the Diazepam, but the Lorazepam doesn't work very well, especially because it is written for .5 mg bid, which is worse than none at all. I take the Diazepam at night so I can sleep and 1 mg lorazepam Q4hours during the day.

I hate benzos. They make me weak and miserable. I'd almost prefer the seizures, but the increasing brain damage from the seizures eliminates that option. I still cannot believe that my sister and her husband will only send me emails of the worst sort. They adopt that formal condescending, but familiar tone that one finds in solicitaions for money and such. "I know how much you hate them, but..."

Lenore, I don't hate them. They have only their interests at heart. How can you ask me to work with someone who has already caused me substantial harm?

I'm wondering if Massachussetts is one of those states where family memeber are held finacially responsible. That would explain why they shipped Robbie back to the Bronx where he died a miserable death. This is only increasing my resolve to go to Boston.

There were two things that had stopped me. One is my sister. The other is the cold weather. My sister has become a non-issue because not inviting me to Thanks Giving and Fred telling me that I am "comabative" although I never have been so with them, tell me more than I want to know.

I know people in the Boston area. Some are very old friends. They might not be willing to help much, but knowing someone who knows the area is worth a tremendous amount. Boston has excellent transportaion and medical care. I need them both.

I don't like the benzos any more than you do, but I'd be dead without them right now. I don't know how I'm going to get a neuro between now and Christmas. It's kind of an emergency.

I also need my disabilbity changed from psych to neuro or even better, my being crippled from the fact that I need surgery on both feet and both knees. That would be even better than being a mentally ill, mentally defective, or epileptic individual.

I alternate between screaming and weeping out of frustration and grief. I feel so helpless. Every path I follow is a dead end. Every room I hear of has aleady been rented. I get the bums rush out of the hospital and when I yell for someone to get me my meds so I don't have another seizure they threaten to send a "screener."

"Screener" means some incompetent trained to grab bodies to fill psych units that are under census. They are trained to be so obnoxious that Mahatma Gandhi would be tempted to punch their teeth in. They are a vicious species.

I escaped relatively unscathed. This time at least I knew where I was and what day it was. One time they kicked me out and I couldn't even figure out how to dial a phone, what day it was, what time it was, was it am or pm, etc. And they kicked me out and I had to beg for a cab! I have Medicare and MediGap PlanF!

I don't get it. What I don't get most of all is how my sister can care so much for the money and not give a shit if I live or die. Maybe I should figure out how to get this blog all over the Boston front page google searches.

Living well is the best revenge. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want the chanced to help myself.

That's what I've been doing wrong all of these years. I keep giving people the chance to do the right thing and because they know I've got the goods on them they just keep effing me over. I guess I have to start protecting myself my not protecting them.

I hate to play that game, but I have to live. I'm not going to be found dead in this room or another one like it. My death, like my life, will have meaning.

I'm really sorry you're not feeling well. I'm not either. I wonder if it has something to do with the approaching solstice? I know I have cardiac arrhythmias cased by both the seizures and medications used to treat them as well as medications used to treat pyschiatric conditions, which I most definitely do not have.

Unless you want to take evals by personnel who had reason to suspect that I uncovered evidence of their appropriation of funds and other illegal actions as evidence, I have never been diagnosed with even a short psychotic episode. I simply am not and have never been psychotic.

Not that there's anything wrong with being psychotic. George W. Bush is a case in point. He is psychotic according to DSM-IV-tr criteria and yet he was selected to the presidency of the USA for two terms. Go figure.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak, nee Deborah Ellen Soodak, aka Debbie Soodak


Hi Zealot,

A short article in a local newspaper about "city ID cards", got my hopes up until I found more info about the program on the internet.

Google returned many longer articles under "Oakland CA ID ATM cards", and the short article I read was very misleading. The ID "solution" is just about the same Catch-22 runaround again. More snafu details were at: http://forum.prisonplanet.com/index.php?topic=193486.0

Next, no driver's license (whether or not because of epilepsy), might lead to deportation.

Thirty years ago, large protests were held against international corporations that didn't follow the "Sullivan Principles", and then in particular, use of difficult to obtain photo-ID's as a means to oppress people in countries such as South Africa, which I felt was ironical, because during the protests, the Oakland police "raided" public areas with a high number of homeless people, and arrested those without the California required photo-ID card (a valid driver's license, or a DMV issued valid photo-ID, but a person cannot have both at the same time). Now, California's ID law is surpassed by even more rigid Federal Laws of ID requirements that are many more steps oppressive.

So much for the short story of social workers verifying that a person has been in the general area for 60 or 90 days as sufficient proof to issue any ID upon that the person is known as the person. The Arizona presumption of "illegal alien" without acceptable ID is becoming a political game piece in California politics too. So, not only is epilepsy a crime, it also neutralizes all claims to citizenship and Human Rights. Call it the Patriot Act, much like the Right To Work Act.

My California valid photo-ID loses validity this late spring, so being born in California and being a Native American might become totally meaningless if I'm one of the unlucky ones with a draw of a short straw (epilepsy has already loaded the draw). I wonder how fast the government will attempt to reduce people to balance expenses to natural resources for an acceptable objectivism profit margin.

I may be overly pessimistic, but the new bank trickery sounds like subsistence levels are going to be cut around another 5%, as "transaction expense" applied to all Local, State, and Federal deposits.

Then, looking into "the Sacred Disease", an American scholar claimed "Beavis and Butt-head" to be the American version of the Russian "Prince Myshkin". And I thought "Bush & Cheney" was an insult to "Beavis & Butt-head", and of Prince Myshkin as a work of world literature!!!

Lots of Love,


Devorah Zealot Soodak


I'm really confused. I have been sleeping fitfully at the Taffy Motel Absecon City Dump since the Friday before Labor Day. That means that I have been "residing" here for three months now. Does this or does this not qualify my for some sort of residential status?

I have not paid them rent, though Jewish Family Service of Alantic County did so on my behalf for a period of several weeks. I have no evidence as to how many because none was provided. Since I have lived here and am expected to pay for the privilege, does that or does that not entitle me to residential status and appropriate identification?

Apparently not. I do not need ID to be abused by hospitals and doctors. I do not need ID to be abused by law breaking land lords. I have been living here for three months and do not have a stable mailing address. If I had a mailing address, I would have my Birth Certificate and then I would have my Passport and then I would be a member of society again.

I also now know for certain why my sister will not help me. She has control of my parents' entire estate and has stolen everything that was mine that remained in the house when they died. That doesn't even take into account the things that she came and stole from me while I was sick and in and out of the hospital. She cares more about the money than she does my life.

She had the nerve to call me and tell me I'd better stop calling her and "assaulting" her. I wasn't aware that assualt was a teleommunication crime. Harrassment, perhaps. Assault, no. I was angry. I was hurt. I asked her how she could look in the mirror knowing that her sister was dying while she had a house full of guests sitting down to a warm meal and convivial conversation while I shivered alone in a sub standard dump that passed for a motel room.

I hung up on her after the word assault. She called back again. I hung up again. Now she know what it feels like.

I was surprised that she called at all. I had spoken to Fred and let him know that certain valuable items had been stolen and I knew it because I had seen them. That quashed his protestations pretty quickly. I never got the return call from him that he promised, but my dear sister decided she would try to intimidate me.

She needs to remember that I changed her diapers, not the other way round.

I don't know if this makes any sense as I ended up in the ER last week because I had a seizure waiting to see the doctor. I got treated decently until I got the bum's rush out of there. I think I told that story.

I am on a stupifying combination of Keppra, Ativan, and Valium. I'm not having many or (any?) seizures right now, but I'm soporific and stupified. I can't remember the beginning of the sentence by the time I get finishied typing it. I see my doctor today.

I need a neuro. I need a place to live. I'm too sick to get either for myself. I need to write a will. I want to make sure that my sister doesn't get a penny and that a probate investigation will be opened. I will have to choose an executor. I'm not sure how to do that, but I'm gonna have to figure it out fast. I'm really not sure how much longer I'm going to last.

If you have any ideas, I'm all ears.

Baruch Hashem. Hoshia na.

Devorah Zealot Soodak

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